The Dark Descent
Caught in a horrific vortex of doubt and fear, my world was slowly crumbling. Functionally I was doing all the right things. Caring for my bursting at the seams family. I’m not sure they even realized what was happening to mommy. They were full of life and busy growing in every possible meaning of that word.
Life was full, a small flock of sheep and a smaller herd of milk goats, chickens and the ample garden kept us all busy. Children noisily climbing our stack of hay, riding bikes up and down our 500 foot drive and spending hours in the pasture playing on the fort their dad had constructed with our oldest. They were having the time of their life, and I was drowning in a cesspool of my own dark thoughts.
Faith in Crisis
Three and a half years into a season of living by faith my faith crashed. I simply could not conceive of the faith to live and although the sun shone brightly on our little farm my condition only saw the dark. Some have called this the dark night of the soul. Friends came and went trying to pull me back from the edge with prayer, scriptures and consoling words. They were not wrong, I just could not grasp the rope they were offering. Eventually they stopped coming.
The slow descent continued until one day I found myself in a fetal position on my bed, children coming and going with their questions and wanderings. “This is not good, I could harm myself and hurt all of them,” I thought.
The Desperate Cry
I was reading my Bible and praying for hours at early mornings alone in my living room. But this day the family was up and eating at the table. I sat separate on the couch, Bible in my lap. I cried out quietly in my soul, “I need you Jesus. I am drowning, failing, unable to continue. How do I overcome this? It was as if someone turned off the light in my soul and I could not see.”
I closed my eyes and groaned quietly. Suddenly, in my inner darkness a pair of eyes appeared. Dark brown and intense. I jerked my eyes open in fright rebuking the worker of evil and darkness, pausing to catch my breath. Then carefully closed my eyes again. They were still there, and my eyes shot open again. Now I was panicking. What is this dark thing that interrupts my plea? Then a thought: “look into the eyes.” Dare I? Not one muscle moved, not one change outwardly that anyone could perceive yet I was on high alert. But the thought persisted: “Look into the eyes.”
The Divine Encounter
Cautiously I closed my eyes again and peered into the dark chasm of what I thought was hell itself.
But what I saw was life changing. Those eyes were filled with kindness, and approval, yes approval, as a father watching his beloved child. And that child was me. The eyes never changed while I was drawn into their loving care. In a moment I knew He loved me. Father God was approving my struggle, my desperation, my unwavering cry even though the emotions and thoughts were so completely opposite those of peace, joy, and love. My devotion in the midst of the dark night was pleasing to Him. I was not lost. He had been watching me and was there all along. I just could not let go of my utter fear and hopelessness.
I was changed there, on my couch, family chattering just feet away, laundry piled high, chores and unending training just waiting for my attention. Changed by one glance of my Lord.
The Path to Healing
Suddenly I knew what to do, suddenly I had hope, with just one look from the Father.
I made an appointment with a Christian physician. He helped me develop a plan for the next 3-6 months. He thought I needed counseling as well as medication to assist my hormone levels etc. I knew if I followed the 3-month plan, it may not be easy but I had God’s approval, and my faith soared.
Within a few months I was off the medication and applying for work in a neighboring community. Six months later we were moving several hours away and I never looked back.
A Message of Hope
My friend, if doubts and fears are assailing you, when nothing is what it had been, when the storm is prolonged and walking through the shadow of death is more than you ever planned for; keep pressing into God. I read His word daily though nothing sprang off the pages, not realizing I was getting closer and closer to Him. And though the enemy of my soul tried his best to destroy me, I hung on, and at the right time I saw Him eye to eye and heart to heart. His promises are still good.
“His head and His hair were white like white wool, like snow; and His eyes were like a flame of fire” (Rev 1:14).
Pam Johnson
