Surviving Addiction

8/3/2003 I had done some time in prison (1995-1996). I was a victim of Crack Cocaine. Well, as I was doing my time, sitting in a prison cell. One night God had dispatched an angel for the changing of my destiny. This angel had embraced me while I was wrapped up in tear soaked sheets. And than reached inside of me and drawn out of me the burden of my drug addiction. As he was tugging and twisting this burden out of my body. I had cried so hard; I cried all night long there in that prison cell. But, after he had thrown that old burden away. The Angel of the Lord put in me a Heart of Gold. You see God had chosen me. I didn’t choose God; because, I’m an addict, and will always be an addict. “not”, but God said that that is not true. For God’s Angel had taken that addiction away from me, forever. I had at times wondered why I had to ever come out of my mother’s womb. To see trouble, to be in sorrow, to end my days in shame, and to feel pain? At times I feel unworthy wishing I was never born. One time in my life I contemplated suicide. I had thought that no one could ever love me; because, I was to fat, to ugly, to shy, and always to embarrassed of just who I AM as a person. So I had turned to drugs and alcohol. And made them my friends. Well, one day not too long ago I found myself all alone helpless in the dark woods facing my own cowardice and an unsettled will power. Perhaps so directly confronted with it, I might in time had gained the courage to truly take my life, not to whine and beg for another to take it away from me. I saw myself turning on to a Crack pipe. Holding it between my lips, than while flicking on the lighter, I saw the torch- illuminating the other end of the crack pipe, the sucking, a long draw, spiting melted Crack flew through the air, suddenly the torch went out. I groaned and strained at holding the smoke in by not moving but swallowing. Then, I continued deteriorating in my addiction suffering which I found as necessary as penance (punishing myself) from my-self-pity, truly praying death would find me unawares and render me fit for eternal pardon. And also I saw myself as if in a vision standing their with still another hand full of Crack Cocaine, just knew I was going to die this time. Taking it all in at once; than, seeing my body falling, falling into the pits of hell. Yes, I was homeless and unworthy of even a child’s love for me. But for some reason I did not die and children love me more than words can say. I must remember that I am not forgiven because of my faultless record of confession. Now, my past, present, and future sins are covered because of Jesus Christ’s death on the cross. So I had learned to first remember that I am not alone anymore. Yes, I felt worthless even in a crowd of homeless people selling their blood just for something to eat. Believe it or not, these people live long lives and some become worthy even in their own communities. So can I. After all this, yes I could feel myself praying even as I set still. Thank you Jesus.